Muddle

Blogger is great for getting feelings off your chest. But i dont know how im feeling. Youre probably sick of reading these, I never know how im feeling! God. Surely being a teenager can't be the best part of your life? Because if it is thats the worst news Ive had in a while. Well actually no its not. Im quite upset because 2 men from my street have died in the past few days. I didnt know them very well but I would always say hi and them the same to me. You know how most elderly folk think teenagers are the spawn of the devil? Not these guys. Especially one. Alan. I think Ill always remember him. Lived to the ripe old age of 95 with his devoted wife Elsie by his side. Not recently but before they would always be out together pottering in the garden, waving cheerily as people passed. Now thats true love. I feel so deeply for her, having to carry on without him through the rest of her days. How empty her little bungalow must now feel with the love of her entire life gone. Perhaps their story will echo that of the notebook, where their hearts and souls are so perfectly entwined that they die during the same night, one simply unable to live without the other. My heart aches for her in this time.
The Notebook. Another thing that stirs a painful memory and a sea of emotions. The first time I watched it, I was with Adam. I watched it on Valentines Day (no, i dont know why either looking back) while he was on holiday in Egypt. Everyone was in bed, blissfully unaware of my tears, and there I sat on my bed clutching his photo and crying like I would never see him again. Oh how those days were when I was madly in love with him. Then came the time when I actually watched it with him. Only a month or two before we broke up, we watched it in the dark in this very place on my bed where Im sat right now, except we were under my blanket (its too warm and summery to need it now so its all folded away in my closet). I bawled my eyes out when THAT song came on. Ill Be Seeing You, youll know the one i mean if youre familiar with the film. There I was soaking the front of his t-shirt with my tears while he giggled at me. "But Lucy, its a happy ending! They stay together forever. True soulmates. That'll be me and you in 70 years time you know." Oh goodness me. Thats typical adam all over that one. He can be an absolute arse at times but boyyyy he's the sweetest guy alive if he cares for you.
I know Im usually bitching about him, but weve talked things through, and I hope, i PRAY that this time things really will be okay. Its been a rocky road and Adam Wass, you know ill always have a space in my heart for you, and ill probably always love you too. But lifes a bitch, it pulls and pushes you down paths you dont wanna take. Although we did choose this one. And i dont want it to sound like i have regrets because i dont, but these past few days have really been an eye-opener. Ive ripped open old wounds that I thought were eternally sealed and Ive done things I never thought I could do. Guilt hurts.
Missing people hurts too. Have you ever missed someone so much it physically hurts? I have. I havent talked to him in so long. I miss his accent, his smell, his expressions. He doesnt even care. And now I have another person to ache for. You know when you connect with someone so well you could talk allnight? Even longer in this case. I miss his rainbow pumps, his hugs and his bad habit of saying like too much. You promise eachother youll see eachother again, he cries when I leave. But promises fade. Even feelings fade over time. I think theres hope for this one though.
The problem with this blog is that I cant always mention names because I dont know whos reading this. It could, quite literally, be a potential disaster if this got into the wrong hands. Maybe ill make me a new lil bloggy as Becks is doing. Although i do feel pretty connected to this one. Arrrrrrrrrrrr. I HATE missing people.
Ive been thinking. Ive got my mood down to a mix of these several emotions:
Sadness.
Guilt.
Confusion.
Tiredness.
Dread.
Missing people.

Confusion is the main. Why is this happening to him of all the people? Why do the nicest people always end up in the worst, most cruel unfair situations? Why does no one else except me see the good side of him? Why did I do it? Will I ever see him again? Is he with his girlfriend now? Did he meet a new girl this summer? Will things ever be the same again? Why do boys mess everything up? Why can't everything be simple? Why, why, why.........
Goshhh. i do feel a little bit better now after venting this out. I just wish I had a guardian angel to sort out all of my problems and sort this mess out. And the worst thing is that it is all entirely my fault.
Lucy Barnes. Thats meeeeeee.
AW. JA. HH. PS. Thats them. Why?

anyway, goodbye. i need to go scream into a pillow.